


and i don't know if i'm ever coming home

by fortunedays



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied Relationships, PG-13 Sexy Times, me? writing cabenson fix it fics? who'd have guessed, this is basically taking 6x16 and making it less sad and more kissing, this starts off angsty but gets painfully fluffy at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 14:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19814176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunedays/pseuds/fortunedays
Summary: In the calm before the storm, Olivia seeks out Alex for the last time.alt. ending to 6x16 - ghost





	and i don't know if i'm ever coming home

_We find the defendant guilty._ Never has Olivia heard sweeter words.

Beside her, Alex grips her hand tighter with every guilty verdict. By the time the judge has dismissed the jury, she’s shaking with relief. She catches a final glimpse of Connors’ murderous face and watches as he’s escorted from the courtroom.

“I never thought I’d see this day,” Alex admits, standing in tandem with Olivia. “Thank you.”

“It’s about time you got to see justice, Alex,” Olivia says with a soft smile. Alex returns the smile, feeling a two-year’s heavy weight drop from her shoulders. She won’t forget the trauma soon, she knows, but at least she can reassure herself that there’s one less monster under the bed.

The courtroom begins to empty. Over Alex’s shoulder, Olivia can see the impatience building on Hammond’s face. “Are they going to move you again?”

Alex sighs and drops her gaze. “Most likely. Velez is still alive, so even with Connors put away, there’s no promise that I’ll be safe.”

Olivia feels a familiar dread settle in her chest, the same emptiness she felt while watching Alex disappear into the night two years ago. She tries to muffle the emotion in her voice when she asks, “How soon?”

“As soon as they can make me a new identity, I suppose. I’ll probably be gone by morning.” Alex looks back at Olivia then, her gaze heavy with guilt. “I’m sorry, Liv. I know I made it harder by coming back.”

“You did the right thing,” Olivia reassures her, but deep down, she knows Alex is right. Having no contact with Alex had been hard after their hurried goodbye, but it made the lie easier. She doesn’t want to say goodbye like that again.

Having had enough, Hammond places a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “We need to go. The sooner we get you a new identity, the safer you’ll be.”

The words, however expected, sting. Alex squeezes Olivia’s hand one last time, her mind spinning. _Don’t make the same mistake, Alex_.

“Actually, could you give us just a minute?” Alex asks Hammond abruptly, before she loses her nerve. She wishes she’d asked this the last time. Hammond grumbles his assent and walks away, meeting Elliot at the courtroom doors. Alex looks into Olivia’s eyes and sees the confusion, the hope. _It still matters_ _now_ , she tells herself.

“I never gave you a proper goodbye the first time,” Alex says, unsure of where she’s going with this. “I don’t know what will happen from here. I don’t know if I…if I’ll ever be able to come back. I might never be Alex Cabot again.”

Tears well up in Olivia’s eyes as she watches Alex struggle to say goodbye. “Hey. No matter what happens, you will always be Alex Cabot, okay? Nobody can take that away from you.”

Alex nods slowly, and Olivia can tell she doesn’t believe her. After a quiet moment, Alex whispers, “I know where I’ll be staying tonight. Will you come? Before I go?”

Olivia lets the words sink in, watching the emotions flicker by in Alex’s eyes. The guilt, the sadness, the fear, and something Olivia can’t describe. She wants to go. She wants every moment with Alex that she can have. She wants to be reckless in ways she hadn’t been last time.

“I’ll be there,” Olivia whispers, and Alex smiles tearfully, before turning to follow Hammond out the door.

* * *

In the elevator, Olivia can feel Elliot burning with questions. He hasn’t bugged her about her feelings for Alex since she’d been shot, but Elliot isn’t one to drop a subject quietly.

By the time they leave the courthouse, Olivia can’t stand it anymore. “Elliot, I can _feel_ your burning anticipation. Either spit it out or calm down.”

He cracks a grin, which only makes her roll her eyes harder. “You sure? ʼCause every time I bring up Alex, you get a little…” Olivia swats at him, and he makes a face as if to say _like that._

“You have no boundaries, that’s why. I’ll let you ask two questions, Elliot, and then you’re shutting up.”

He makes an exasperated face and tries to narrow down his questions. “Okay. What did she ask you when she sent Hammond away?”

Olivia, having anticipated this question, answers briefly, “She wants me to say goodbye to her before they move her.”

Elliot almost asks if that’s allowed, but Olivia would count that as a question, and he still wants to be nosy. He stays quiet until they reach the car, and Olivia has grown suspicious by the time he finally speaks again. “Do you still love her?”

_That_ she wasn’t expecting.

Frowning as though she isn’t blushing, Olivia says, “I never said I did to begin with.”

“Oh, come on, Liv, don’t give me that. There’s been sparks flying between you two since she first elbowed her way into the precinct. I’ve watched you with her before and I’ve seen you deal with it after. You left a lot of things unsaid when she went into Witsec. Now she’s back, and you have the chance to say the things you didn’t last time. What’s holding you back?”

Olivia sighs, absolutely hating that Elliot can read her like an open book. “She’ll be gone in the morning, El,” she says finally, pointedly not confirming anything he said about her feelings. “There’s no reason to make things harder for either of us.”

“Liv.” He waits until she looks at him, her emotions thinly veiled under annoyance, before continuing. “It sure as hell won’t make it any easier if she leaves and you say nothing. Would you rather she tries to move on under a fake identity in a place where no one knows her? Or would you rather she knows that she’ll be able to come back to you, who loves _her_ , not some pretend version?”

“Stop saying I love her,” Olivia mumbles, but Elliot’s last question hits her where it hurts. No matter how many lives Alex lives, she will always be Alex to Olivia. All Alex wants is to be herself again. Deep down, that’s what Olivia wants too.

Elliot shakes his head and pulls out onto the street. “Fine. But that doesn’t make it any less true.”

Olivia mutters something vulgar and ignores him for the rest of the drive. As they pull up to the precinct, her phone buzzes, and Alex’s name appears on her screen for the first time in years.

(She remembers when Alex’s name was the only one that ever showed up, and it aches.)

The text only contains the address but ends with an ‘xo’ that makes Olivia smile.

_See you soon. xo._

* * *

It’s just past sunset when Olivia arrives at the hotel in which they’ve hidden Alex. It’s a bit sketchy for her taste, but it’s low on the list of places any cartel members would go looking. Full of nerves and dread, Olivia makes her way up to the floor Alex had indicated. She wonders if Hammond approved her visit. He had let her babysit Alex a few days ago, so he trusts her. But she still can’t be sure.

Alex’s room is farthest from the elevator, right next to the emergency stairs. Olivia gives Hammond a mental gold star and knocks quietly, stuffing her hands almost immediately in her pockets to hide that they are shaking.

Footsteps approach the door, followed by the shuffling of locks. The door opens to reveal Hammond, looking not at all surprised to see Olivia. “Good evening, Detective Benson. I’ve been approved to have you stay with Alex for the night, since we won’t be able to move until morning. She insisted that Antonio’s papers be processed first.”

Olivia smiles. “Sounds like Alex. Will you be staying close?”

Hammond nods. “A few other agents and I are on different rooms on the floor. Just keep the door locked, and you won’t have a thing to worry about.” His professional demeanor falls for a second, and he gives Olivia a sad half-smile. “I’ve seen lots of people in Witness Protection, Detective. It’s never easy. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you can have this time.”

“Me too,” Olivia whispers. With a nod, Hammond trades places with Olivia. They exchange good nights and Olivia locks them in. As soon as the chain is put in place, Olivia feels Alex behind her.

Turning around, Olivia is met with Alex’s smile, which she returns easily. Alex is closer than Olivia had anticipated, and her breath catches slightly.

“Hi,” Alex whispers, at a loss for things to say.

“Hi back.” Olivia begins to laugh, and Alex joins in. “Gosh, this is like an awkward first date. I feel like I should trip over my shoelaces next.”

“Oh, hush,” Alex says, and leads them back to the couch she’d been sitting on. The room is only slightly larger than normal, with a couch and a large dresser in addition to the bed. Olivia sits beside Alex, turned so she can face her fully. Now that she’s here, she’s not sure what to do. All she knows is that she doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

After a few beats of silence, Olivia reaches out and takes Alex’s hand in hers. Alex intertwines their fingers easily, and Olivia relaxes at the contact. Whatever they’d been before had been made mostly of small touches and loaded looks. Olivia had never said those things she wanted to—and she’d regretted it deeply when she was left only with Alex’s blood on her hands. But now she has Alex again, warm beneath her touch, and her fear begins to dissipate.

“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Alex asks quietly, and Olivia cracks a smile.

“Thinking about you.”

“Careful, Detective, or I’ll think you’re trying to seduce me.”

Olivia smile grows. “Oh, like I haven’t already?”

Alex giggles. “I plead the fifth.”

Humming in amusement, Olivia rubs her thumb across Alex’s knuckles. “I really have missed you so much.”

“Me too, Liv. And I’m glad you’re here now. I don’t think I could have done another goodbye like last time. Hammond had to deal with my emotional ass all the way to Tulsa.”

Olivia laughs quietly at the thought. “He can bond with Elliot about how much they’re inept when it comes to comforting people.”

“Oh God, I don’t even want to think about Elliot,” Alex says with a laugh. She shakes her head, trying to picture him comforting Olivia, while Olivia mulls over what he told her earlier.

Back then, she and Alex hadn’t had enough time to put any of their feelings into words. Olivia had wanted to, and she was sure Alex felt the same, but the timing was never right. Instead, they had their quiet moments, which, at the time, were enough. Looking at Alex now, with the lamplight on her hair and her blue eyes trained on Olivia’s, she doesn’t want to settle for what’s safe.

She’d let Alex die without telling her that she loved her. She won’t make that mistake again.

“Alex,” Olivia says softly, and all the years she’s spent longing bubble up in her chest. “I love you.”

Alex’s eyes go wide before she relaxes and smiles, as if she’s been waiting for Olivia to say it first. “I love you too, Liv.”

And before she can lose her nerve, Olivia cradles Alex’s face in her hands, and kisses her.

The kiss could have lasted seconds or hours; Olivia loses count. They separate long enough to catch their breath before Alex kisses her again, deeper this time, and Olivia holds her as close as she can. She focuses on how Alex’s lips move against hers; Alex’s hands on her back and in her hair, holding her close.

Eventually, Olivia shifts and pushes Alex against the back of the couch, straddling her. Their hands start to wander, and before long, their shirts are somewhere on the floor. Olivia can feel this escalating and pauses, her hands on Alex’s chest. Alex looks up at her, face flushed, and trails her hands up and down Olivia’s sides. The touch is almost enough to distract Olivia completely.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Olivia asks breathlessly.

“Liv, I might actually combust if we don’t.”

Alex’s face makes Olivia laugh against her will. “Trust me, babe, I know. But seriously. I’m just…worried about making this harder for us.”

Olivia drops her gaze, and it tugs at Alex’s heartstrings. “I know you’re trying to protect me,” she says, and turns Olivia’s head back to face her. “After tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to come home again. But right now, I can be with you. I can be Alex, and I can love you. It will be difficult later regardless. For tonight, just let it be us.”

“Okay,” Olivia whispers, and pushes the pain aside. She kisses Alex again, passionate and quick, before pulling away and standing, a teasing grin on her face.

“Hey!” Alex whines. “Get back here!”

“Listen, Lex, I love you a whole lot, but I am not having sex with you on that couch.”

Alex dissolves into laughter and lets Olivia pull her to her feet. Through fits of laughter and kisses, they toss aside the rest of their clothes and fall onto the bed, bodies entwined.

* * *

Hours later—Olivia’s sure, this time—they lie tangled beneath the sheets. Alex’s head is on her chest, their arms wrapped around each other. This blissful feeling has chased all fears of the morning from Olivia’s mind. She runs her fingers through Alex’s hair, and she hums at the touch. Alex traces lazy patters on Olivia’s stomach.

“Do y’think I could get Hammond to build you into my new identity?” Alex asks sleepily, her voice breaking the quiet. “Not like _you_ you, but just so I could say that wherever I’m from, I’ve got a girlfriend there, so people would leave me alone. And so I can talk about you.”

Olivia smiles at Alex’s drowsy rambling. “You’d brag to strangers about me?”

“Oh, hell yeah. Tell them how beautiful you are, and that you’re such a badass, and damn good at your job, and how much I love you…” Alex tilts her head so she can look at Olivia. “You totally let it slide that I said I wanted to call you my girlfriend.”

“I’d be flattered to be the girlfriend of the amazing Alex Cabot.” Alex giggles and snuggles back into Olivia’s shoulder.

After another minute of silence, Alex stirs again, bothered by the same question that’s nagging at Olivia. “Babe, I…I might be gone for years again. Do you want to do this?”

Olivia thinks of the years she’s spent loving Alex, with and without her around. Loving someone in Witness Protection is painful, but as Alex said, it will be difficult regardless. Eventually, she says, “No matter what happens, or who you have to be, we’ll always be the same people we are tonight. I’m going to love you a long time, Alex. I want to do this.”

“Okay,” Alex whispers, and intertwines her fingers with Olivia’s.

Alex drifts off first, but Olivia stays awake, playing with Alex’s hair. _This is a love worth waiting for_ , she thinks. _She is worth waiting for._


End file.
